Learning to FLY

Learning to FLY

by The FlyLady, Marla Cilley

We have lived our whole lives being put down because we were unable to live up to someone else's standards. You know exactly what I mean!

As children we were continually fussed at for not being able to keep our rooms clean. When we went in there to start, we would be completely overwhelmed and no one understood what was the matter. Now as adults we still have to deal with those accusing tongues. You know the put downs you have received from family members - mother, husband, sisters-in-law, sisters, and even your children.

Most of these people are Born Organized (BO) and have no clue why you just can't clean your home. For them it comes naturally. For us, we need to be taught. We are not stupid, lazy or slobs. We just don't do things the way they do. Let's face it; it is hard for anyone in the family to live up to their standards.

Could that be why they are not much fun to be around? They are caught up in their perfectionism and don't know how to get off that destructive merry-go-round.

There is a fine line between BOs and SHEs (Sidetracked Home Executives). That line is perfectionism. BOs tend to go past that line into obsessive about cleaning. SHEs feel that if we don't have enough time to do it perfectly, then why even bother. We were taught if you can't do it right, then don't do it at all. We do as we are told.

Let's look at what happens when we are confronted with some of those unkind words coming from our loved ones' mouths. I really hate to use that term, because they are not loving when they judge us. Love is unconditional. Their love is only if we live up to their standards.

The nasty words can be in snide little remarks or in actions. It doesn't matter they all hurt just the same. As children we would get in tiffs with our friends and blurt out, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me!"

As adults, those kind of words do hurt. Here is how. Your mother comes over and you really know in your heart she is going to look down her nose or say, "Why can't you just keep the house clean?"

It is the same when your husband gets mad because he can't find any clean socks. You jump up with that surge of adrenalin and get started doing something - anything - to look busy. You are running around and you can't seem to accomplish anything but spinning.

We have lived off this adrenalin since we were children. Let's call it "fast food." Yes, it gives us the spurt of energy for a while, but we can't sustain it for very long. Then we crash and burn.

Our anger has been turned inward on ourselves. So with each nasty unkind word, we let a little more of our spirit die, even if those unkind words are only in our heads.

I want to teach you how to take a different Flight Plan for your life. You don't have to eat their "fast food" anymore. Don't listen to those voices in your head and make assumptions about what people are thinking.

I want you to FLY (Finally Loving Yourself) and it is not going to happen in a few short weeks. Follow a simple morning and before bed routine - declutter just 15 minutes a day and get dressed to shoes and fix your hair and face every morning first thing. Before long you will not care what they have to say, because you know in your heart that you have the Flight Plan that will get you out of the CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome).

You have been starving for just a few crumbs of acceptance from your loved ones. The only way you are going to be fed is if you feed yourself with the love and attention you deserve. You can do this! BabySteps will help you find the substantial nourishing food you need to sustain your Flight.

The adrenalin you have been living on only leaves you wanting. Scarlett said in Gone With The Wind, (I have paraphrased it), "As God is my witness, they aren't going to lick me. I'm going to live through this, and when it's all over, I'm never going to be hungry again."

I want for you what I have; PEACE. When you get a small taste of peace, you will never like adrenalin "fast food" again. No more crash and burn from your self-loathing. You will be FLYing!Are you ready to FLY?

For more help getting rid of your CHAOS, check out her website and join her free mentoring group at http://www.flylady.net/ or her book, Sink Reflections published by Bantam and her New York Times Best Selling book, Body Clutter published by Fireside. Copyright 2010 Marla Cilley Used by permission.

Is Your Armor Keeping You Down?

It's the FlyLady, Marla Cilley!

The FlyLady can help you with your household clutter, your purse clutter, and the clutter within yourself.

For this column, you need to know the meaning of a couple acronymns:

FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself
CHAOS is for Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome

You know, the kind of CHAOS where you don't answer the door when someone knocks because your house is too messy to let anyone enter.

The FlyLady will appear here weekly, usually on Monday afternoons. Her columns contain common sense approaches to house cleaning. I hope you'll not only check back here every week to read her column, but you'll also go to her Web site to learn more about the FlyLady's system.

IS YOUR ARMOR KEEPING YOU DOWN?

Have you been wearing your heart on your sleeve? Do you perceive that you have been wronged in some way by others? Are you wearing all the wrongs like a cloak of armor? Have these wrongs been the foundation for your whining? Are they what have kept you from FLYing?

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Armor is heavy stuff! When we blame others we need to look closely at our own actions. This is why we tell you that this is a NO WHINING ZONE!

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Tribes used to sacrifice a poor innocent goat for their sins. They would heap all their sins on the scapegoat and send it out into the wilderness. Have all the wrongs been heaped upon you? Do you feel like the scapegoat? Are you acting like a martyr? Have you been hoarding these wrongs?

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This is just like we do with clutter; we hold on to things past their usefulness. When we get our feelings hurt it is best to discuss it as soon as possible. The longer it festers, the worse it is on you!

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Are you hearing this? The person who has wronged you may not even know he or she has done anything to hurt your feelings and may not even care. If you don’t talk about it and clear the air, you will be the only one suffering. Discussing the wrong will let you know two things; they are mean and need to be prayed for, or they didn’t know they had hurt your feelings and they apologize. Either way you have released the wrong and it is no longer being hoarded.

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Some of you are going to argue that it is not easy to forgive and forget. If you notice, I didn’t say forget! When a snake shows its fangs, this is a warning! If you pick that snake up and put it in your pocket, whose fault is it when you get bitten?

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Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. You get what you give. But if you give in order to get, you will always be left wanting!

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At the start of this New Year let’s symbolically take off that armor of wrongs! Put each wrong on a Post-It Note. Imagine that you peel each wrong off your sleeve and put it in an old pie pan. Then take it outside and put a match to them, or put them in your fireplace. As you watch your wrongs (the ones you have been hoarding) go up in smoke, send a prayer of gratitude up with it. Be thankful you no longer have to hold on to this and thankful that now you know!

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Leanne and I also have a whole chapter in our book, “Body Clutter,” devoted to forgiveness. I just listened to our new audio version. This chapter is powerful!

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My wish for you in this New Year is that you release the wrongs by forgiving others and yourself and open up your wings to FLY!

For more help getting rid of your CHAOS, check out the Web site and join the free mentoring group at http://www.FlyLady.net, or check out her book, “Sink Reflections,” published by Bantam, and her New York Times Best-Selling Book, “Body Clutter,” published by Fireside. Copyright 2010 Marla Cilley Used by permission in this publication.